Soldier's Rant
by BattleUnit3
Summary: Stuck in a trench on Earth while Shepard is going around fixing everyone else problems our hero wants to vent. Rated M for language. One Shot.


**Here is a little something i was thinking about. Some of the things are probably completely wrong but its a random soldier ranting he doesnt care if he is right or not.**

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Begin Recording… Sergeant Thomas Miller

Man...Fuck Aliens.

Don't get me wrong I am not a racist but ever since we discovered those Prothean ruins on Mars it's been one shitfest after the other. I know that there are good and bad aliens just like there are good and bad humans but… at least humans are relatable. I mean being an alien is like a 60% debuff towards being cool.

First we got the fucking dinosaur space saber tooth birds! Fucking assholes have it out for us since day one just because we broke their law or something. Jesus give us a goddamn break here atleast let us wash our hands before you slam our head in the bathroom mirror. They have fucking organic plate armor or some shit because why the fuck not? Something about their planet being irradiated by their sun… just get some sunscreen you dumb fucks! Also they are like super militaristic and think of themselves as "Protectors of the Galaxy". Yeah? How is that working out for ya'll? Oh yeah Palaven is fucking burning to the ground! Pff Palaven…what dumb name anyway.

Then come the frogs… oh sorry I mean steroid frogs because normal frogs weren't weird enough. I mean literally… there were so many bugs on their homeworld that there was enough food for them grow in numbers and evolve. Oh yeah they live for like 40 years. Jesus by 40 normal people are having a midlife crysis and these are dropping like flies…heh flies because they are frogs get it? Fuck you I am hilarious. Whatever supposed to be smartest bastards out there but they couldn't see those fuckers coming even all the warnings or cant figure out how to not have a midlife crysis by age 20. Fucking hell when I was 20 I was still trying to figure out how stoves work. Still have the scars of that adventure.

Cant forget the blue alien chicks. Probably the most relatable out of every species out there. Which says much considering they are literally blue space chicks that have bullshit space magic. Yeah they also live for a thousand years because they weren't OP enough! They can literally control gravity. Damn space wizards. I mean we have those too are like Special Forces while their entire species is like that. You know I am not even sure chicks everybody says they are but come one They can cast a blackhole in the middle of battle who's to say that after all the mind meld BS while you are lying in trance they don't flick their wrist or something and 10 inch wasabi drenched dick doesn't pop out? I don't know some stranger fuckery is round them hoes and how the fuck are they the most advanced species anyway. I thought the smarty-pantsy frogs were the best?

OK who is next ah yes the four eyed uglies. Slavers…what the fuck is up with that automated technology is so much better than slaves hell paid labor has proven to be far more efficient why the ever loving fuck would you use slaves? Whatever it's not like they are going to bother anyone ever again. Fucking bastards every single one of them.

Super Turtles because what galaxy is complete without super turtles. Basically the toughest son of a bitches around. You could probably blow half of their body off and they would still be alive. Redundant systems or some shit what are you a goddamn dreadnought? Arrogant bastards calls everyone else squishy yeah well go guck yourself atleast while I am getting laid spark don't come out due to plate friction! God Its been forever since I last got laid!

Flying Fanatical Jellyfish….enough said about those motherfuckers.

Gorillas with a speech impairment. Giant fuckers that's what they are never could figure them out. Haven't met any but fuck em.

Whos next on the list oh yeah so ….

What….

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT ERIC! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR WHORE OF A GIRLFRIEND. I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE A PICTURE OF HER IN YOUR HELMET. I SWEAR TO GOD YOU ARE WALKING PIECE OF SHIT CLICHÉ! YOU KEEP DOING SHIT LIKE THIS THE ENEMY IS GOING TO KILL YOU TO CREATE DRAMATIC TENSION. I OUGHTA DO IT MYSELF TO SAVE ME FROM INEVETABLE WAR IS HELL SPEECH! I DESPISE YOUR EXISTENCE MURPHY. I HATE YOU AND I HATE YOUR LITTLE GIRLFRIEND I HOPE YOU WATCH HER DIE A SLOW AND PAINFULL DEATH!

As I was saying… oh by the way we are in a war against a species of AI are bent on killing us all. Why the fuck they would want to do that nobody fucking knows because FUCK! They are called the Reapers because we need an ominous name for them I personally call them Cthulhu's bikini models. Whatever they look like giant cuttlefish with lasers and want to destroy everything. Also they plan on liquefying humanity and turning us into coolant for their newest member or something I don't know I wasn't listening to the briefing. Oh yeah they are joined by another AI. Because fraking toasters have to stick together apparently. And you know who is responsible for all of this. Fucking Shepard. Had to shove your nose in other people's business didn't you Shepard. Had to get the spotlight on the good old humanity. Now Shepard is out there helping every species except you know …US! Wanna make sure the Thessian Matriarchs light bulbs are in working condition? Don't worry we have the whole INVASION OF EARTH under control I mean we are dying by the millions but as long as you get laid with some alien who the fuck cares Am I right? AM I RIGHT?

OK I know why the Reapers are here. They consider us the APEX species which they are damn fucking right! But answer my this if we are the Apex species why the fuck when they turn us into those Husk are we literally disposable cannon fodder. You would thing the APEX of galactic evolution would have a leadership role or something not something to be used in swarm tactics. Also there is a real problem with the Reapers plan. To avoid all you have to do is put a fucking cryo ship on random vectors outside of the system you are in and they will never find them. Stay in space between system for a couple hundred years and voila species saved. Of course every other species is too dumb to do that. And we are currently the frontline. Where the fuck is the Citadel fleet? What happened to the unity that those blue alien wizard chicks preached? Or did suddenly vanish the moment their own assets came under threat?

Fucking hell Earth looks like shit… I mean it was already shit but now it's obvious. Like how many reapers are there out there. OK math time we know that the Reapers have been around for around 1 billion and if you divide that by 50 000 years that makes…*tapping sounds* 20 000 capital ship reapers…Fuck. GOD DAMN IT! There is no way we can kill them all. I don't think we even have enough ammo for this.

But don't worry people Shepard found vague blueprints in the prothean beacon on Mars that show weapon that will kill all the Reapers! Maybe it will also bring back the dead and make it rain cocaine and unicorns! They have no idea what it does just vague "To fix everything push here" Why the fuck are we even finding it now? That's awfully convenient. Did we forget that Reapers put down the Protheans and any tech we have is based on prothean that Reapers left. For all we know that's a giant waste time meant to make us throw our resource and manpower to win time to build something the Reapers want us to build. Also it looks like giant satellite. For all we know we might be giving every Reaper free wi-fi!

God I hope my sister is okay she is one of the few people who I find remotely competent. Though I wouldn't mind if her husband died the fucking wanker. Smug little bastards hate him in my living guts. Why the fuck she ended with him I will never know she could so much better. Well no because every single who comes on to my sister is a piece of shit but that's the big brother instincts talking. Whatever she is one of the "safe" colonies meaning the Reapers don't know about them yet. Which is good means the government isn't as incompetent as we make them out they are. But then again them putting their pants the right way from the first try would be more competent than that.

Oh yeah Shepard is still out there… uniting the galaxy one species at a time. Honestly besides it being the ultimate truth I can see why the Reapers think we are the Apex. They didn't need to think who is the best all they needed was to ask who sucks the least. And bam humanity. Last I heard of Shepard the Quarians and Geth made friends. That's great! Doesn't fucking help us at all over here in the trenches with the Reapers. Oh yeah Shepard brought the Krogan to help the Turians to fight for their homeworld….. WHAT ABOUT US YOU DUMB SACK OF SHIT? EARTH COULD USE THE KROGAN AS WELL!

I wanna go home….I wanna go to sleep I haven't slept in days, supplies are low. Man fuck Eezo gunpowder guns were more awesome. If we continued developing them who knows how much better they would have been year sure shooting a tiny balls and 1% speed of light sounds cool the guns literally look like toys guns are supposed to be rounded with a good paintjob they are supposed to be functional. You are supposed to be able bash someones skull open with one and they shoot his best friend. Seriously this is probably my fourth rifle this week. Also why the fuck did we switch to interchangeable heat sinks. The whole idea of Eezo guns was " You will never need to reload" and now we have to reload again. Why? WE might as well be using gunpowder weapons at least the old bullet factories are still out there?

We should have never found that stupid prothean outpost. We should have followed our own path. The Citadel Council, The Reapers, and the FUCKING CERBERUS it's all because the prothean's couldn't be bothered to clean up after themselves.

FUCK REAPERS! FUCK ALIENS! FUCK EVERYTHING THAT ISNT HUMAN EXCEPT CERBERUS!

OH YEAH CERBERUS. FUCK THOSE GUYS. WHAT THE HELL is their goal anyway. Was it put humanity on top? How the fuck were they going to achieve that? We neither have fleets, population, economy or technology to be of any significant position! Its like a group of mice show up and one of them says "Lets fuck that German shepherd up!"

Oh I know humanity has it share of weird ass problems but at the very least they are our problems. We didn't create the Reapers. We didn't build the Citadel. We just found a fucking outpost… Why the fuck did we have to shove ourselves head first into the wider world. We weren't ready, we barely tolerate ourselves.

Sigh…

This is Sergeant Thomas "Fuck You" Miller signing off. If anyone finds this…go fuck yourself.

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 **I know Shepard did all that to gather a force to liberate Earth but from the eyes of those left behind Shepard left and forgot about them**


End file.
